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Marriage is a social institution as old as the human race
itself. It may be defined as a relation between a man and a
woman which is recognised by custom or law and involves
certain rights and duties, both in the case of the parties
entering the Union, and in case of the children born of it.
Marriage has thus two main functions to perform: it is the
means adopted by human society for regulating relations
between the sexes; and it furnishes the mechanism by means of
which the relations of a child to the community is determined.
The rites and ceremonies of marriage have been different
with different peoples and in different ages. but these two
functions mentioned above are common even where in marriage.
It always implies the right of sexual intercourse as allowed
and recognised by society and the duties of the parents in
bringing up children.
Islam recognises this institution and accepts it as the
basis of human society after purging it of all those evils
which had penetrated it.
Firstly, Islam does not regard it as a union only for the
gratification of sexual lost, but a social contract with wide
and varied responsibilities and duties. The reason behind it
is that, according to the Divine Faith, a woman is not a
plaything in the hand of man. but a spiritual and moral being
who is entrusted to him on the sacred pledge to which Allah is
made a witness. The wife is, therefore, not meant. to provide
sensuous pleasure only to the male, but to fully co-operate
with him in making the life of the family and ultimately of
the whole humanity significantly meaningful.
The Holy Qur'an has in so many verses pointed out the
different purposes of marriage. It states:" And of His
signs is that He has created wives for you from yourselves
that you might find quiet of wind in them, and He put between
you love and affection" (xxx. 21). In this verse it has
been said that the female is not inferior to the male in the
sense that the former is created out of a superior stuff while
the latter comes of a base origin. Both man and woman are the
progeny of Adam and thus both have the same soul. The purpose
of marriage, according to the Holy Qur'an, is therefore, the
union of the two souls which are one in essence. Their
separate existence is an unnatural state of their being which
changes Into the natural state when they are united by
marriage and thus are brought close to each other physically,
mentally and emotionally.
Both man and woman are the joint heirs of the grace of
life, and unless there is a very close and intimate form of
companionship in them, they cannot enjoy the true grace of
life." He it is Who created you from a single soul, and
of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort
in her" (vii. 189)." Comfort" implies much more
than a mere sexual gratification. It is not too much to say
that the whole conception of the marriage relation in Islam is
charged with spiritual and moral ideas, and must of necessity
elevate the status of matrimonial alliance in the individual
and social life.
In Islam the union of the sexes has been purified and the
joy of the married relation secured by the absolute
prohibition of every kind of extra-matzimonial connection. The
Holy Qur'an stresses upon the people to marry as it is the
most effective means whereby one can lead a virtuous life free
from immorality and emotional inhibition. The Holy Qur'an
says:" They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you
are as a garment to them" (ii. 187). The mutual relation
of husband and wife is here described in words which could not
be surpassed in beauty. Herein is the correct description of
the relationship between the two. The husband and the wife are
for mutual support, mutual comfort and mutual protection,
fitting into each other as garments fit into each other.
Then the Holy Qur'an also makes it clear that this union is
not a temporary relationship between two individuals of
opposite sexes: It is a permanent and enduring relationship in
the sense that both the parties should put in their earnest
endeavours to lead their lives in perfect harmony and
acquitting themselves creditably of the responsibilities
saddled upon them by entering into this sacred contract.
The Holy Qur'an farther points out that sexual
gratification in the married life is not meant only for the
satisfaction of the physical lust, but it mustbe directed to
some higher ends." Your women are tilth for you, so go
into your tilth as ye like, and provide beforehand for your
souls, and fear Allah and know that you are going to meet
Him" (iii. 223). Here the wives are likened to the
cultivable land which are ploughed for sowing and reaping the
produce (in the form of offspring) and not merely for carnal
indulgence. The concluding part of the verse refers to still
higher and sublimer ends which tell that even in the height of
carnal pleasures the moral and spiritual responsibilities
should not in any way be lost sight of; rather one should be
more conscious to them when one is enjoying physical pleasures
as these are the moments when the fear of the Lord and the
accountability in the Hereafter is likely to be blurred or
effaced from one's mind.
Institution of Marriage
The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is
composed of individuals that have permanent relation
established between them. Most importantly, it possesses
almost a majority of the different kinds of personal
relations.
Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to
control and regulate these relations.In the context of
marriage there is one very important difference between man
and women: women are the ones who can bear and nurse
children. This is an extremely important
responsibility.
On the other hand Islam assigned the husbands the responsibility of
financially supporting their wives. This allows women to
concentrate on what is really important, their families. And
then men are also given the position of leadership to balance
their greater responsibility of support.
The husband and the wife are a complementary pair. Each has his own
designated role and responsibilities. Together they complete
the family. And that's why Islam has set the basics on which
marriage should be built.Allah says in the Qur'an:"Men
are the supporters of women, because Allah has stowed on the
one more than the other, and for what they have to provide
(for them) from their sources.
So the righteous women are obedient and protect in the absence of their
husbands that which God ordains to be protected."(Qur'an
4:34)There is much debate and difference of opinion among
Muslims regarding the right meaning of this verse. Some people
read it to give a great deal of power and authority to the
husbands; others seek to place restrictions on men.
The reason that men have been given authority over their wives is that
they are completely financially responsible for their wives.
Even if a woman is wealthy, she is not required to spend any
of her money to support the family; the obligation falls
completely on her husband. She may share him the
responsibility if she wants, but this is not an
obligation. Her own money is hers to use as she chooses
and her husband can't take it without her permission.Allah
says in the Qur'an:"And give the women their dowries as a
present, but if they are happy to offer you any of it, accept
with happiness and with wholesome pleasure" (Qur'an 4:4)
However the wife must obey her husband and support him. But this doesn't
mean that "obedience" referred to is not
unquestioning obedience to whatever command the husband
happens to give, but rather refers to accepting the husband's
decision as final.Allah says in the Qur'an:"And the
believing men and the believing women, they are the friends of
each other, they enjoin good and forbid evil, and establish
prayers, and pay the alms, and obey God and His Messenger,
these, upon them God will have mercy, indeed, God is almighty,
All-wise." (Qur'an 9:71)Obedience of the husband is
compulsory on the wife. If, without any lawful reason, she
refuses to obey the orders of her husband, she will be liable
to the Wrath and Curse of Allah until she returns to
obedience.
The husband is given the permission in Islam to hit his wife (slightly)
or stays away from her if she is recalcitrant. Nearly all
modern Islamic scholars have agreed that these three steps
must be taken in sequence. Meaning: first the husband sets out
verbally why he thinks his wife's conduct is wrong. If that
doesn't then he may separate from her in bed. If that still
doesn't work, then finally he may hit her (yet not harshly,
just slightly to show her that she did something wrong).
However, "recalcitrance" is not simply disagreeing with the
husband; it is rather a refusal to agree, a rejection of the
husband's right to leadership. Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)
said:"The rights your wife has on you are) that you feed
her when you eat and clothe her when you clothe yourself and
that you do not hit her on the face or call her ugly, and that
you do not separate from her except in the house.
"(Narrated by Mu'awiya Al-Qushayri.Prophet Mohammad
(PBUH) also said:"Be in awe of God in (the matter of)
women, for you have taken them by the trust of God, and made
their bodies lawful for you by the word of God. And your right
upon them is that they do not allow among your furnishings
anybody you do not like, and if they do, you may hit them, as
long as it is not injurious. And their right on you is that
you support them and clothe them in honor." (From the Farewell Sermon, reported by Jabir).
Here we learn that the admonishment should not involve insulting the
wife, such as calling her ugly or other types of psychological
abuse. Also separating from her or staying away from her is
done only in private; the husband should not shun his wife in
public and thus expose her to shame or ridicule from
others.
The hitting must not be on the face. The hitting should not be
"injurious". Muslims should follow the Prophet's
(PBUH) explanation of the Holy Qur'an and to abide by these
rules.However, it should be noted that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH)
never hit any of his wives, and said that men who did
"are not the best of you, by God!" The Prophet
(PBUH) is set as a beautiful example for Muslims and all
Muslim men should strive to follow him.Allah says in the
Qur'an:"Surely there is for you the best example in the
Messenger of God, for whoever seeks the pleasure of God and
the Last Day (Day of Judgment), and remembers God
often."(Qur'an 33:21)
On the other hand wives have been given permission to seek remedy for
their husbands' recalcitrance.
The Arabic word, Nushuz, is used as for the wife's recalcitrance. Allah
says in the Qur'an:"And if a wife fears cruelty or
desertion from her husband, there is no blame on them if they
reconciliate them, reconciliation between them is far better,
and souls are prone to avarice.
But if you do good and are God fearing then surely God is aware of what
you do-" (Qur'an 4:128)And if there is a dispute between
the married couple, a member of each family can be brought in
to resolve it. The point is that, in Islam women have rights
over their husbands the same way husbands have rights over
them.Allah says in the Qur'an: "And if you fear disunity
between them, then send an arbiter from his side and an
arbiter from her side. If they wish for reconciliation God
will affect harmony between them, surely God is All-knowing,
Al-Aware." (Qur'an 4:35)
Marriage in Focus
Now let's bring some more focus on how the husband should treat his wife
as God has asked Muslim men to:It is not demeaning if the
husband shares in the responsibility of house matters, such as
the mending of garments or things of the kind. Also it shows
good manners that the husband helps his wife in the house,
during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant,
has just gave birth or similar to that. For Prophet Mohammad
(PBUH) used to fix his shoes, and used to be helpful to his
wives.Al-Aswad narrated: "I asked Aicha, `What did the
Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to
work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer,
he would go out.'" [Bukhari].
A good husband is he who cooperates with his wife by being tender and
kind to her. Islam considers husbands who are best at helping
their wives are the best of mankind.Also the husband should
set a specific time in which he can play around and pass free
time with his wife. The relationship between a married couple
cannot be warm and stable unless the couple begins removing
all the obstacles and impediments that stand between
them.
For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from
drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of, it
shows her that he loves her.
Also, let's keep in mind that nobody is perfect. So there is no doubt
that the husband will see things in his wife that does not
meet his natural preferences. If such qualities are not
opposing the fundaments of the Islam or to the obedience of
the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not
push her to change her personality so that it complies with
his natural preference.Islam states that a husband should not
try to expose his wife's bad qualities, for too much blaming
and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between them,
and will surely threaten their marital life.
So the husband should overlook his wife's drawbacks and mistakes, and
make her falling into them seem like something small.Also the
husband should not give little importance to implementing the
punishment required for any acts in opposition to Islam, which
a wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it.
This should be the main reason that stirs the husband's anger.
The woman is the head of the house, the one responsible for it. So the
husband should not meddle into affairs that do not fall into
his area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and
the order of the house.Also Islam forbids the husband fro
scolding his wife or blame her for a mistake she made, in
front of others, even if they are their own children.Abu
Hurairah narrated that Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: "The
believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have
the best disposition and the best of you are those who are
best to their wives."Having jealousy and caring about the
modesty of the wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows the
husband's love and care for her, provided that the husband
does not go to extremes in his jealousy.
For then at that point, it would turn into something negative and will
badly affect their life.Moreover the husband should not enter
the house suddenly, for he might shock his wife, he should
prepare her for his coming, and when he comes in he should
greet her with Salaam (Islam greeting).
Aicha (one of Prophet Mohammad's wives) has narrated that Prophet
Mohammad (PBUH) would enter the house with a pleasing
disposition and a smile on his lips. And ask about her and how
she is doing.
Also husbands and wives should beware of spreading any secrets connected
with the intimate encounters they have with each other, for
that is something forbidden in Islam. The husband is also
asked to take care of the way he looks the way the wife is
asked to look beautiful in the eyes of her husband. The
husband should constantly maintain the cleaning of his mouth
and the freshening of his breath.Showing respect and kindness
to the wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her.
And this applies even after her death.
When a husband speaks to his wife, he must choose the kindest and nicest
words and expressions for his speech. And not to reprimand her
in front of others or in front of the children. Same thing
goes for the wife; she should be kind and talk to her husband
using nice and sweet words.Also it is not proper for a husband
to force his wife to look for work or to spend her wealth on
supporting the house, for this is his responsibility.
Why
has Islam prohibited dating?
"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world
shall not exist among Muslims -- where a man and a woman (or
boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending
time together alone, getting to know each other in a very deep
way.
A man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any physical
contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not
permitted in Islam.Allah has prohibited girl/boyfriend
relationships in the Qur'an "(Lawful to you in marriage)
are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from
those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians)
before your time, when you have given their due Mahr
(bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of
marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal
wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking
them as girlfriends. ... " - Al-Ma'idah 5:5.If a Muslim
man has the desire and willingness to assume marital
responsibilities, and he doesn't have anyone in mind, he might
ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that
might be suitable for him among their acquaintances and
relatives, and then the couple can meet with their family
members.
As a result, many marriages in the Muslim world were traditionally
arranged marriages, though this is not a religious
requirement. However, both couples can not be forced to accept
an arranged marriage and if a man likes someone (with the
intention of marriage) that he knows from work, neighborhood
or acquaintances, etc… he shall propose to her.Islam also
encourages Muslims to marry persons for whom they have special
feelings and are comfortable with. Thus, Islam recommends that
potential marriage partners see one another before proposing
marriage.
Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)
said:"That would enhance/foster the bonding."However
the prospective couple shall not meet in private, this might
lead to extremely unwanted situations, as Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) said :"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan
is the third among them" (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)..
At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an "Tell
the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at
forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from
illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. "In
conclusion, Islam lays its social structure on the basis of a
permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form
of a family.
Consequently, to preserve this marital relationship, it forbids all forms
of temporary relationships between a man and a woman.
Pre-marital relationships in Islam are not considered
respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it
constructive for the concept or the building the family or the
Islamic society.
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